Content Warning: Death, Depression, Abortion, Cancer.

Death comes in many forms, whether it’s the loss of a pet, a family member, a friend, or an acquaintance. For many, this loss propels those affected into periods of self-reflection as they do their best to comprehend what life is like without their pet or loved one.

This period can lead to a better understanding of oneself, though not without exploration of complex emotions that arise. One such emotion is rejection, which Michelle Zauner (the lead singer of Japanese Breakfast, an indie rock band) discusses in multiple instances throughout her memoir.

While Crying in H Mart focuses on the death of Zauner’s mother and their complicated relationship, this review centers on the rejection Zauner encounters throughout her life, the process that finally allows her to accept herself and her mother’s passing.

The Process of Grieving

“Ever since my mom died, I cry in H Mart.” The first line is the perfect beginning of a book dealing with grief. It’s a simplistic statement, yet it explores the unexpected emotions and triggers that result in the loss of a life. For Zauner, H Mart, an Asian marketplace, is a shop flooded with memories of Zauner and her mother, Chongmi, often leaving Zauner in an unexpected state, “sobbing near the dry goods…”

After revealing her emotionally-charged visits to H Mart, the memoir follows Zauner’s life, beginning with her formative years, setting the scene for the discussion of Zauner and Chongmi’s relationship. Her experiences visiting Korea and learning of her mother’s cancer diagnosis when she was in college, all help set the scene by delving into her and her mother’s personalities on their own and as they weave together through interactions.

Throughout the story, Zauner explores what it was like taking care of her ill mother, watching her father unravel during her mother’s sickness, and ultimately experiencing her mother’s decline and passing. However, this is not where the story ends, as life often does not end for those mourning loss. Instead, her father continues to unravel, creating a strained relationship between father and daughter and demonstrating the after-effects of loss.

Toward the end of the book, Zauner discusses her journey away from Eugene, including her marriage to Peter and her ascent into musical stardom, leading her to visit Korea and perform in Korea for a large crowd, including her family members. This performance provides both closure and a sense of accomplishment for Zauner, who battled and rejected her heritage and her desires throughout her life.

Pick Up Your Copy of Crying in H Mart

Crying in H Mart

Written by Michelle Zauner

Vintage; Reprint edition (March 28, 2023)

256 pages

ISBN-13: ‎978-1984898951

$7.95

Rejection In Its Many Forms

While many reviews focus on the grieving process of Zauner’s mother in Crying in H Mart, I found another common theme, rejection. Throughout her life, Zauner, who is half Korean and half white, continually rejects her Korean side.

Growing up in a relatively isolated area of Oregon leads her to desire what many kids and teens desire – to fit in with her peers, leading her to reject her Korean background. Because of this, she often feels disconnected from her mother throughout her childhood and even into her early adulthood. Even during summer visits in Korea, she feels out of place, as her appearance and ability to speak the language create a barrier between herself and her relatives.

This is not the only rejection discussed in the book. Zauner, who initially vied for her mother’s approval, slowly begins to reject her by distancing herself as she grows older. Her mother, who often displayed love through strictness and expectations which disagreed with Zauner’s own desires and goals.

Equally important is Chongmi’s rejection of Zauner’s desire to lead an artistic life as a musician, one of the primary reasons, alongside Chongmi’s strong-willed personality, which drives Zauner to distance herself from her mother.

It is not until after Chongmi’s death that Zauner begins to accept and embrace her Korean side through Korean cuisine, as a method for grieving her mother’s death. It is their one lifeline, a bond that remained despite their tumultuous relationship. By cooking Korean dishes, she can finally connect to the Korean side she had tried so desperately to escape in her younger years. The end of the memoir displays Zauner’s acceptance, of her mother’s passing and her heritage.

Crying in H Mart is more than a memoir on grieving a loved one and complicated familial relationships; it explores what it means to grow up feeling pulled in two directions by your desires and expectations imposed on one by parents and peers, resulting in a feeling of not belonging. Only through embracing ourselves and our heritage fully can we begin to step into our purpose and, dare I say, happiness, even after a major loss.

MICHELLE ZAUNER is best known as a singer and guitarist who creates dreamy, shoegaze-inspired indie pop under the name Japanese Breakfast. She has won acclaim from major music outlets around the world for releases like Psychopomp (2016) and Soft Sounds from Another Planet (2017). Her memoir, Crying in H Mart, was released in 2021.